Monday, November 06, 2017

Today is my birthday, and I'm 25 years young. But I don't feel like celebrating.

I feel so low. To be honest, I have been so low for a very long time. I just feel as though the more I'm trying to improve myself and my circumstances, the more I feel put down. I know that I've achieved a lot in spite of all the crap I've been through in my life so far, and I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel as though I've been living for a quarter of a century...yet I have nothing to show for that. I feel as though a huge chunk of my life has gone to waste.

I know that I need to change for life, for the better and for good. I am sick and tired of living in misery, and I'm fed up - even when I'm doing well in certain aspects of my life, other aspects make me feel so unhappy. I feel as though so many issues are impacting on my happiness and because of that, I cannot be - and I'm not - truly happy. There's always something holding me back and that's not good at all. Certain issues are bringing out the worst in me and I don't like how I feel. I can't be the best version of myself unless I change my life completely. I can't be happy until I find peace.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that my life needs to change.  I want to change. History has a very bad habit of repeating itself - I see the same toxic patterns occurring in my life over and over again and I've had enough. I feel as though my spirit for life has been completely killed off and I'd rather not do anything, celebrate anything or take great interest and pleasure in the enjoyable moments.

So for now, I'll say happy birthday to me, even though right now I feel so tormented, as though I'm living in hell on earth.


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